


Happiness Long Forgotten

by merlin_the_dragonlord



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 09:39:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5201087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlin_the_dragonlord/pseuds/merlin_the_dragonlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>He didn't deserve to be happy.</i> </p><p>Somewhere in between protecting Arthur and Camelot, Merlin forgot to take care of himself. This is the aftermath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happiness Long Forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> I want to scream my sadness to the world, but unfortunately, I can't, so this is the next best thing. 
> 
> While there is no explicit self-harm in the story, Merlin does purposely neglect himself as an alternative.

The hunger pangs shot through Merlin and he almost stumbled at the force of it. Arthur looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “Be careful, Merlin. You’re holding the king’s breakfast.” He gave a crooked grin that betrayed his chiding tone to be what it was- a joke.

Nothing but a joke. It was always just a joke. Stupid Merlin. Court idiot. He forced a smile on his face as he set down the platter, purposefully averting his eyes from the food. “If you’re not too careful, we’ll have to poke another hole in that belt.” He shot out. It felt hollow, much like his current state.

He saw Arthur start to rise and he made a hasty retreat, dodging the expected goblet flying at him. “With your leave.” He said quickly and slipped out of the chambers, shutting the door behind him. He leaned against the door and willed himself to calm down.

The hunger pangs came back again and he ignored them. They were a much more convenient distraction from the other emotions that he had been trying so hard to hold back. Gwen passed him in the hallway, looking as regal as always in her heavy red velvet gown. “Merlin.” She smiled at him in greeting. He pushed himself off the door.

“Hello Gwen.” The smile returned, feeling mechanical and robotic. “You might not want to go in. Arthur’s in a right mood.”

Gwen laughed, a tinkling, graceful laugh. _Nothing like me._ “I think I can handle my husband.” She commented lightly and brushed past him to enter the chambers. His stomach dropped. Right. Husband. Marriage.

That reminder was what broke the dam for him. The feelings that he had been trying so hard to suppress and keep away overwhelmed him and he sensed his magic whirling chaotically within him, begging to be released. He had to get out of Camelot before he did something he regretted. He broke into a run. Gwen and Arthur’s laughs echoed in his ears. _Idiot._  

* * *

 

Camelot had not known such torrential downpour in years. Merlin stood in the clearing he had found in the forest, watching his magic feed into the storm. It felt… it felt a little better being able to release all of his energy into his task. More natural.

He continued until his magic was satiated and he collapsed right onto the ground, exhausted. He was glad that it was raining. Plausible deniability for the tears rolling down his face. He was so _tired_.

There was movement and he turned his head to look. There was a small glimmer of hope that maybe whatever was here was dangerous. He shoved that hope away when he saw Gwaine. The knight’s face was grim and he knelt down by Merlin, ignoring the mud squishing onto his trousers. “You all right, there, Merlin?”

Merlin turned his head away. He had two options. He could tell Gwaine all about the troubles plaguing him or he could just pretend… The latter option then. There was no use making others worry.

“Just tired.” Well, that wasn’t a lie.

“You picked one hell of a place to be tired.” His words were light but Merlin could sense the undercurrent of seriousness. Gwaine _knew_ something wasn’t right. Fine.

“I wasn’t able to sleep last night.” Or the night before… or the night before that… He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept for a full night.

Gwaine tsked and stood, extending a hand to help Merlin up. “Let’s get you back to Gaius.” Merlin took his hand. “You know, Merlin…” Gwaine paused and Merlin immediately knew what was coming next. “I’m your friend. I care about you.”

“I’m fine.” He smiled. “Really.” _I’ll tell you anything you want, just stop questioning me._

“Okay…” Gwaine looked dubious.

“I’m fine, Gwaine. I just need a bit of rest.” Merlin turned. “Race you back to Camelot.” He began to run. His body screamed at the strain. 

* * *

Once they reached the citadel, Merlin had parted ways with Gwaine and was back in his room, curled up on his bed. He was shaking. It _wasn’t fair_. Arthur was supposed to bring magic back to Camelot. Why did it feel as if each attempt to reach that goal was a setback? _What was he doing wrong?_ Maybe this was the Triple Goddess’ way of punishing him.

Some great sorcerer he was. He couldn’t even fulfill his destiny properly. That reminder stung. He didn’t feel like _Emrys_. He didn’t even feel like much of a warlock at the moment.

There was a knock at the door and Gaius walked in.

“You didn’t touch your breakfast this morning.” Gaius held a bowl in his hand. It was too much.

“Just… leave me alone, Gaius.” Merlin’s voice trembled. He hated himself a little more for it.

“Whatever is the matter?”

“It’s nothing.” Merlin refused to look up. “I’m just tired. I haven’t been sleeping properly.” Always the same excuses.

There was a pause and Merlin knew that Gaius was surveying him, attempting to discern the cause of this distress. _He won’t find it_. This was much deeper than any physical ailment. This was embedded at his very core. “I’ll prepare a sleeping draught and let the king know that you aren’t feeling well.” There was movement and Merlin jumped a little when he felt a hand at his shoulder. “You need to take care of yourself better, my boy.” Tears burned in his eyes when he heard those words. He didn’t deserve Gaius’ kindness. He didn’t deserve any of them. He curled into himself more and Gaius seemed to take that as a sign to leave. The door closed, but he did not move. It was only after his legs began to cramp did he stretch his legs out. His head hit the pillow and he stared at the ceiling. The hunger pangs returned and he welcomed them with open arms.


End file.
